Impeccable communications framework

This article explores why vulnerability is crucial within romantic relationships. Let's dive in.

The First Meeting

When you meet someone for the first time, the attraction is purely physical. It’s all about what you see: their smile, the way they carry themselves, their style. At this point, you have no idea what their values are. You make guesses based on surface-level cues.

Two individuals noticing each other

Values and Compatibility

As we get to know someone, the question shifts: “Do our values align?” This is where things get interesting. On one end of the spectrum, you might have a couple with completely opposite personalities.

Negative Extreme - Conflicting values

Picture a woman who loves wild parties every weekend and a man who spends his weekends reading two books. Or a man with a promiscuous past and a deeply religious woman. These lifestyles clash at every turn.

Couple in an argument

Positive Extreme – Complimenting Values

On the other end of the spectrum, you find couples whose values align perfectly. Think of two people who prioritize health and fashion. Or partners who dream of raising children together. It might be two traditionally masculine and feminine individuals, or two people who share similar spiritual or financial goals. These are complementary values, and they create harmony.

A couple working on a drawing project

Culture and Relationships

Cultural upbringing heavily influences our values. This is why so many marriages happen within the same culture—it’s familiar, accessible, and feels natural. That said, cross-cultural relationships can thrive, especially in today’s interconnected world. Most couples fall somewhere between these two extremes. If their values align positively enough, they may decide to build a relationship.

Alignment is Never Static

But here’s the catch: humans are constantly evolving. Even if you and your partner are perfectly aligned today, small changes over time can create gaps. Imagine starting with 100% alignment and both deviating by just 0.1% a month. In 10 years, you could find yourselves on opposite ends of the spectrum.

When these differences arise, a natural tendency is to avoid them to maintain the equilibrium. But this instinct is counter productive. Minor faults that go unaddressed can become huge with compounding effects of time.

Vulnerability as the Solution

So, how do we bridge these gaps? Vulnerability and openness. Our modern culture glorifies independence and freedom but often overlooks the beauty of interdependence. A strong relationship requires you to lose some parts of your individual self. To build something fulfilling, differences need to be addressed as they arise.

Example 1 – The Big Move

Imagine one partner casually mentions wanting to move to a new country. This idea needs to be explored immediately. If left unaddressed, it can push values toward opposite ends of the spectrum. Keeping someone in the dark about major plans leads to misalignment and resentment.

Example 2 – Addressing Hurtful Comments

What if a partner points out a small flaw, like a pimple, while ignoring all your other beautiful traits? It stings. The easy thing is to stay silent, but being vulnerable means saying, “That hurt.” Vulnerability invites the other person to correct themselves. If they do, they show love and goodwill, deepening the relationship.

Example 3 – Defining the Relationship

What if one partner wants clarity about the relationship, and the other says, “I’m not looking for anything serious”? Ignoring this creates confusion and potential disaster. Open dialogue can prevent heartbreak and allow both partners to make informed choices.

Independence vs. Change

“But what about independence?” you might ask. “Why should I change for anyone else?” This idea—that you should never change—is flawed. The real question is: What do you value more? The person or the thing they don’t like about you? If it’s the thing, walk away. If it’s the person, let go of that thing. And if you’re not sure, engage in open dialogue to find a middle ground.

Pair of Koi fish reconciling paths

I visualise this as a pair of Koi fish charting the never ending cosmic sea. They move on their own, in their own direction, but their mutual attraction helps reconcile paths often.

The Power of Vulnerability

Our vulnerabilities are like cracks on the surface of our psyche. These cracks hurt when exposed, so we hide them. It’s a defense mechanism—perfectly fine for day-to-day interactions because you don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Twin souls: Image via ForeverConscious.com

But in a romantic relationship, those cracks are an opportunity. When you open them, you invite your partner to fill them with their energy, love, and understanding. It’s a merging of two souls—a yoga of psyches—that creates something greater than the sum of its parts. In this union, vulnerabilities transform into strengths, and the relationship grows deeper.